♪♪♪ (theme)
(explosion)
RADAR: Holy mackerel!
I'm telling you, we're being shelled!
Do you hear me?
It's been going on for a half an hour!
Impossible.
My latest intelligence map shows
there are no enemy units in your sector.
You are not being shelled, young man.
(explosions)
MAN (on P. A.): All personnel,
stay clear of the compound.
All personnel.
Listen, buddy, I'm tellin' ya.
They've already knocked out one of our generators,
they, uh, smashed our water tank,
and we got three people wounded.
Well, listen, if you don't believe me,
listen for yourself!
Did ya‐‐ Did‐‐ Did ya‐‐
Hello? Hello? Ah!
Here he is now,
your star for tonight‐‐ Bob Hope!
Come here, Pierce, if you wanna see some fancy needlework.
Not now, Henry. I gotta control some bleeding.
More suction, Sanchez.
Yes, Doctor.
‐Fix that mask! ‐¡Sí! ¡Sí!
Kelly!
Mucho apreciado.
Major, your hands are shaking.
It has nothing to do with the shelling.
It's, uh, my sinus condition.
If anybody's scared, just let yourself be scared.
You have nothing to fear but fear itself. Eleanor Roosevelt.
‐(explosion) ‐Aah! Aah!
Sanchez, stop that!
Colonel, your hands are shaking.
Well, it's, uh, Frank's sinus condition.
I'm finished.
Okay, get a dressing on that.
How ya doin', Pierce?
This kid's navel's gonna be a showplace.
BOB HOPE: Here we are on the U. S. S. Fox.
Look at this craft. Isn't this something?
Now I know what they mean by a floating crap table.
Oh, my God! This man's a North Korean!
I'm not operating on any Commie!
Oh, come on, Frank. Come on!
Well, what did they ever do for me?
They fixed it so you could get a nice uniform,
a steady job, and people salute you
before they get to know you.
Hold this steady, Sanchez.
Es que me tiemblan las manos, Doctor.
Los tiros, no estoy acostumbrada.
Suction, cha‐cha‐cha.
Doctor‐‐ The patient's ready, Doctor.
Oh, I hope my American Legion post
doesn't find out about this.
They'll take away your joy buzzer.
‐Aw‐‐ Oh! ‐(screaming)
Frank!
Get some restraint on him, fast!
That's it! I refuse to operate
on that slant‐eyed yellow devil!
Finish here!
I'll take care of him, you wonderful round‐eye.
Where did that Costa Rican nurse come from, anyway?
The U. N., the little place on the East Side?
Foreigners! Why are there so many of them in a war?
Somebody put this guy under.
Pierce, I gotta get to the latrine
for about five minutes.
I'll handle it.
I'd rather do it myself.
Leland! Somebody put this guy under, will ya?
(groaning)
(screaming)
Come on, give me a towel!
Somebody put a blanket over that window!
‐MARGARET: Kelly! ‐(shouting)
All right, keep calm, everybody.
This can't go on much more than forever.
Come on. Give me that glove.
‐Doctor‐‐ ‐Get it on! Come on!
‐Margaret. ‐Yes, Doctor.
We're gonna need a lot of sulfa.
We've got plenty!
Somebody, come quick!
‐What happened? ‐It's Colonel Blake!
He's in the latrine!
Hurray for regularity.
It's been hit! He's trapped!
‐Debride the wound. ‐Kelly, I need clean gloves!
‐Clean gloves. ‐Clean gloves. How you doing?
(patient moaning)
If anything's happened to Colonel Blake,
I don't know what I'll do.
He's the bestest colonel that ever lived!
Radar, I said‐‐ now, what seat did he usually use?
Left, on the far side.
Picture window. Here.
Henry?
‐(loud moaning) ‐Wait a minute! Hold it!
Shh! I heard a moan!
Colonel, if you can hear me,
knock three times!
If you can't, knock twice!
(two knocks)
Oh, Lord, he's dead.
Colonel!
Henry, you all right?
That's him! That's him!
His wife sent it! Stateside paper,
for their anniversary! Colonel!
HENRY: Ohh.
Oh! Watch my other arm. I think it's broken.
Oh, my. Aw, man.
Careful, sir.
Mulcahy's still down there.
Ooh. Get him out.
‐Come here, Henry. ‐Easy, Pierce.
Come here.
Father Mulcahy was on my left,
telling me about his sister.
KLINGER: Here he is!
‐Here he is. ‐Help him.
‐You all right, Father? ‐Come on, Father.
Sis and I picked up these apples from under the tree.
I remember I said,
"You can't make a pie out of crab apples,"
and she said,
"I learned how in the Girl Scouts."
He'll be all right. He's just a little dazed.
She used brown sugar,
and the crust was just so crispy and nice.
Well, it was so good, we ate it all before dinner.
Get him back to his tent. Let him rest.
Mommy came into the kitchen and said,
"What the hell's going on in here?"
I remember, Mommy.
You know, that was the first time I ever heard you swear.
RADAR: Careful.
Come on, Henry, let me get a look at that arm.
‐RADAR: It hurts. ‐Yeah.
Happy anniversary, sir.
Come on.
Take that toilet paper!
Boy, this really hurts.
Just be glad it's not your right arm,
or your career as a surgeon would go down the tubes.
Never mind that. What about my backswing?
Anybody got any gloves? Kelly?
Hey, Pierce, can you get a Purple Heart
for a toilet wound?
Colonel, was the officers' latrine really destroyed?
(mocking) Was the officers' latrine really destroyed?
Gone with the wind, Frank.
I hate the thought of using the enlisted men's.
Get one of your own, Frank.
Go into business for yourself.
Good idea.
KLINGER: And another one.
Okay, right here.
Sanchez, come over here.
Help me get this man undressed.
Sí.
There's a wire across his chest.
Don't touch him! That guy's booby‐trapped!
There's a grenade under his arm!
Now, that offends.
‐Booby? ‐Booby kaboom.
Big booby?
Right. The pin is off.
The wire is holding his arm to the handle of the grenade.
Pretty dicey.
Listen, we don't have to risk our own lives.
We have a demolition expert right here in camp.
Staff Sergeant Benson.
Frank...
this is Staff Sergeant Benson.
Well, tell him to tuck his giblets back in
and get back to work.
It seems to me this comes under the heading
of duty for enlisted personnel.
Oh, really!
Well, they do get their uniforms free,
and we have to pay for ours!
Come on, Frank. We're all scared.
If you're that scared, get out!
You'll talk about me behind my back.
Trap, we're gonna have to do this together.
You cut the wire.
You hold the grenade.
And I'll be in Scotland before you.
He's moving!
Frank, put him under, fast!
Hold him down. Put your arm on his chest.
Hurry up!
(gas hissing)
Man, that's a hairy armpit.
Probably Italian.
(explosion)
(screaming, shouting in Spanish)
Sanchez!
(gasping, panting)
Okay, Trap, cut.
(snip)
Okay, quick! Towards the minefield!
Aah!
Aah! ¡Ai! ¡Yo tengo miedo!
¡Yo no estoy acostumbrada a esos tiros!
¡Soy muy joven, no quiero morir!
I seem to have a foreign object on my chest.
TRAPPER: All right, everybody, cover the wound!
Somebody, clean this stuff up!
Take it easy. Take it easy. It's all over.
‐No more booby? ‐Booby all gone.
George, cover that wound, will ya?
Gee, I'm busy here, sir.
‐(explosion) ‐Aah!
I am so afraid. You no afraid?
You are afraid.
You bet your enchilada.
No, sir, I did not hang up on you.
I‐I put the phone out the window, and it blew up!
Reluctantly, I have to admit that latest intelligence
tells me you are being shelled.
But there's nothing to worry about.
You're being hit by your own artillery.
Well, is there anything you could do about it?
We're being wiped out!
I tried to phone
the observation post directing the fire,
but they're all at the Bob Hope show.
Hello? Hello?
What'd you pull it apart for? I just fixed it!
If I ever get out of this war alive,
I'm gonna write a book exposing it all,
and that guy's gonna be in it!
What's his name?
I'll make one up!
Will you put me in it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Page 1.
Hot cher‐o‐kees!
‐That's‐‐ ‐Yeah.
Settle down someplace.
Take a load off your arm.
Yeah. Where?
My tent's been flattened.
First time in six months
I get a toothbrush that's just right‐‐
not too hard, not too soft.
I got teeth like Turhan Bey.
I can't even find the damn bristles.
Radar, did you get through to anybody?
Yes, sir, H. Q.
We're being shelled by our own artillery.
They never miss.
I need help.
The door to the supply room is jammed.
We're running short on everything.
I'll give you a hand. Let's go.
Radar, get on the phone and get some help.
Klinger has to fix it first!
Then fix it, Klinger!
You ought to put him in your book too.
Put him in your own book!
Ten years in medical school,
and I wind up a sheet metal worker!
(grunting)
Let me try.
(grunting) You are strong.
Where I was raised, every morning
we ran naked in the snow.
We ran naked in the subway. (grunt)
Plasma?
Uh, plasma, sulfa, uh, extra blankets.
Oh, and Pierce needs rubber gloves.
Clothes horse.
(explosion)
Doctor, are you hurt?
Just the old football injury.
Knee?
Hemorrhoid.
I spent a lot of time on the bench.
We better get outta here.
It won't open!
Come on. Let me try.
We're trapped!
(sigh)
This day's been too much!
(crowbar clatters)
I just can't take it anymore!
(sobbing)
Come on, honey. Take it easy.
It's all right.
I'm so embarrassed.
‐Why? ‐(sobbing)
I outrank you!
Easy, honey. Easy.
‐Easy. ‐(sniffling)
Everybody thinks
I'm so tough and hard and efficient,
and here I am, crying like a baby.
(crying)
Do you mind?
No.
It's the first hot water to hit my body in a year.
(laughing)
You're so understanding...
John.
No! No, please.
Look, we can't get outta here,
and I sure as hell don't wanna take inventory.
The door's jammed!
I mean, we've got cots, blankets,
and a lotta extra plasma.
Help, somebody!
Help!
Help! Help!
(grunt)
‐(sigh) ‐(crowbar clattering)
(panting)
All that energy wasted on a door.
Come here.
(explosions continue)
Help.
Father, this is a lousy idea.
The movie was supposed to take their minds
off the shelling.
Lord knows I tried.
I sent for The Yearling.
A dandy picture
about a boy and his pet deer.
Y‐You see, his mother didn't want him to keep it,
but they became very emotionally attached.
I know, I know.
My cousin Floyd had the same thing with a goat.
So, uh, what happened to The Yearling?
Uh, the jeep was hijacked by some Buddhist monks.
Monks?
Uh, the driver told me
they'd all gotten haircuts that day
and wanted to celebrate.
Is, uh, Major Houlihan here?
HAWKEYE: Down in front!
(all shouting)
MAN: Get outta the way!
Has anyone seen her?
I saw her about an hour ago.
She and Captain Mclntyre
were running across the compound.
Well, where were they going?
Search me.
A war picture?
Oh, I tried to get The Yearling.
It's about this boy who becomes
emotionally attached to a deer.
Oh, my uncle in Texarkana had the same thing with a mule.
Why can't I have a blanket of my own?
Conservation of body heat.
98 degrees plus 98 degrees is 196 degrees.
It doesn't work that way.
You're just saying 196 degrees
so you can get under the same blanket with me.
Are you questioning a doctor's medical opinion?
What are you doing with your hands?
Just saluting.
I don't trust you.
You don't trust me? John Xavier Mclntyre?
In my grammar school, on graham cracker day,
I was elected crumb boy.
That's silly.
Now I'm gonna lie down because I'm cold and tired.
You have to promise me, no hanky‐panky.
I haven't even got a hanky,
and I left my panky in my other suit.
Besides, you have nothing to worry about.
I'm beat.
(sigh)
(clatter)
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh. We, uh, came in here for supplies,
and a shell hit and the door jammed.
Oh, that's good for starters.
McIntyre, what's the meaning of this?
Frank, does paradise need a meaning?
We came in here for supplies,
and a shell hit and the door jammed,
and we made 196 degrees, and that's all there was to it!
Just a trip to the moon on gossamer wings.
MAN (on P. A.): Attention. By order of Colonel Blake‐‐
‐Margaret? ‐...all personnel will prepare a survival pack
in case we have to evacuate.
Evacuate to where?
(explosion)
Now the Book of the Month Club will never find me.
Here, Trapper, you take this bottle.
‐Check. ‐We better go in separate trucks.
That way, one of us will be alive
to care for our loved ones.
Uh, Major Houlihan claims
that you were a perfect gentleman at all times
in the supply room.
‐These enough? ‐Yeah.
If we're captured, we'll eat 'em.
When fear is near, I want you here.
McIntyre, the future is very uncertain for all of us.
Now, I want your word that nothing went on
between you and Major Houlihan.
Absolutely nothing.
(whispering)
(giggling) No kidding?
‐I heard that! ‐What?
Well, I couldn't hear it. What did you tell Pierce?
Just boy talk.
You taking all those nudist magazines with you?
Yeah, I'm reading a serial.
It's called "The Sunburnt Fool."
Terrific.
It's the story of a woman who smuggles
ten pounds of pistachio ice cream out of a nudist camp.
Ooh, that smarts.
You, you... That's what you are!
What's your rush, Frank?
The next shell isn't due for three minutes.
Can't trust these P.X. clocks for anything.
McIntyre keeps hinting that something went on, Margaret.
We were exhausted. We slept. I told you.
Second shift to surgery, please. Second shift.
How can you wash your hair at a time like this?
Well, if I'm goin' out,
I'm goin' out with a clean scalp.
I don't understand what a woman could see in that man, anyway.
Egotistical smart aleck.
He didn't even study medicine in his own state.
Frank, he does have a certain je ne sais quoi.
I should have known he'd talk dirty to you in Spanish.
Frank, I've told you over and over and over!
We didn't do anything!
Hmm. How far did he get? First base?
Second base?
Home plate?
What difference does it make?
What am I to you, anyway?
A beautiful plaything.
A romp on an army blanket.
Oh, that's not true!
We're soul mates. Don't we listen to Mantovani together?
Don't we both trim the crusts on our bread?
Remember the morning when we held hands
and said the Pledge of Allegiance?
Talk, talk, talk. Talk.
Margaret, I realized
when you were in the supply room with him...
‐how much I love you. ‐Hmm.
Margaret...
‐I want to marry you. ‐(explosion)
‐What did you say? ‐I said I‐‐
(explosion)
Say it again, Frank.
What? What?
Tell me again what you said about marriage!
Boy, that last one was awful close!
I better go see Colonel Blake!
You weasel!
From Seoul in South Korea, it's been The Bob Hope Show,
with Marilyn Maxwell, Jerry Colonna,
Les Brown and his Band of Renown,
and yours truly Hy Averback.
(audience cheering)
♪♪♪ ("Chattanooga Choo‐Choo")
What is?
Take it easy, Sanchez.
He's dead?
Klinger! Next patient!
This is Seoul City Sue
bringing you G.I. Joes your favorite songs
and reminding you that all your wives and sweethearts
are being unfaithful to you.
Not true! Not true!
Don't pay any attention to her!
You know who's romancing them at home every night?
Every Tom, Dick, and Harry.
There is a Harry at the country club.
Nah! Lorraine wouldn't horse around with a busboy.
(explosion)
Take Sue's word for it.
Go home, 121st Evac, MASH 4077.
Go home where the big money is.
Don't help the imperialistic forces in Korea.
Another Harry repairs the golf carts.
Nah!
He got dirty nails,
and he's always digging one finger in his ear.
I'll be right back,
but first here's a golden oldie
to remind you of those wonderful cheating wives
and mothers back home.
Father, will you ask Radar to get
something else on the box?
Yes, sir.
Oh, jeepers.
Frank, you okay?
I've gotta get into this chest,
and I don't know if I can do it.
You can do it. You've done that before.
Well, I've just got so much on my mind.
Suction. Frank...
Trapper tried, but no dice.
He's all yours.
I don't really know what you're talking about.
All right, let's move it.
Get cracking. Get gloves.
And I want an anesthetist over here on the double!
‐Scalpel, Sanchez. ‐Sí, doctor.
(explosions stop)
What's that noise?
Sounds like silence.
Hey, the shelling stopped.
No more boom‐boom?
No more boom‐boom.
RADAR (blowing into mic): Testing. Te‐‐
One, two, three.
Testing, one, two. (clears throat)
Radar here.
Uh, there's nobody on the radio now
except Seoul City Sue, so I figured
I'd keep you entertained by reading you a letter
from my mom.
Everybody dance.
Here goes. (clears throat)
"Dear son:
"I got your lovely letter.
You certainly asked a lot of questions."
(clears throat) "About the car, you may.
"About Jennifer next door, yes.
"About Eleanor Simon, she did once or twice,
but not too much."
"About your Uncle Albert,
"Uh, no on drinking. Yes on A. A.
"About the dog Leon,
"three times in the bedroom, once under the washer,
and twice on the cat."
(clears throat) Test‐testing.
"About the cat, we don't have one anymore."
Uh, "About your Cousin Ernie, he's in the‐‐"
(explosion, screaming)
Oh‐oh! Here we go again!
Watch out!
Oh, ding bust it,
I wanted to hear about Cousin Ernie.
(chatter)
Get ready to close. 3‐0 silk.
Get the next one ready.
(shouting)
Get a blanket on the window up there!
(shouting continues)
Okay, you gotta move with that. Come on.
Major Burns?
Psst.
Major Burns,
don't we have something to discuss?
Something you asked me in my tent?
Tell us, Major.
We're his answering service.
The doctor isn't in.
Leave your name, symptoms, and credit card number.
Tell him he's not gonna welch out on it!
‐Frank. ‐Hmm?
Did you propose?
Figures.
He was afraid he was gonna lose her to you.
Frank, what kind of a guy do you think I am?
We're colleagues, surgeons under the skin,
in mortal combat with the enemy.
Besides, they'll have plenty of time together
after you've gone home.
(whimpering)
Care for a little tonic?
♪♪♪ (theme)